


The End of the World

by Moonkum



Category: Naruto
Genre: 4th wall, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, NaruSasu - Freeform, Nods to archaic syntax, Stream of Consciousness, Stream of Consciousness Narrative, narusasunaru, old english
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:04:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14746775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonkum/pseuds/Moonkum
Summary: While Sasuke is enjoying his afternoon in peace, he is rudely interrupted. He meets with the whim of an omnipotence he'd not formerly known, and despite his own personal feelings about it, he's strung along in any case.





	The End of the World

Sasuke was an admirer of Wellington’s. He liked him—for his tight-lipped imperviousness to strangely jovial generals and rain. Sasuke himself had had his fair share of such balls jostled at his position, not that he could throw on a rubber coat or refuge under a tree for protection. The balls and the rain always found him again.

Sasuke was lying on the floor, his stomach to the bright, homely carpet of the living room; a book between his elbows. The windowpanes pattered softly behind him like little fingertips drawing his attention repeatedly away from Hugo’s harangue. Sasuke sighed, content.

“Sasuke!”

“Ah!” With a brash noise the front door was thrown wide by whom stood attached and likewise cast his long shadow into the hall. Sasuke shouted and flipped himself like a burger.

“I have to suck your dick; and you have to let me!” continued the sopping intruder, briskly approaching and shaking his dripping locks; he was like a golden retriever on its hindlegs, or a humanoid, cursed cabasa. Sasuke shuttered. Defensively, he gripped the lining of his sweatpants and scooted backwards. “Jerk! It’s not like that! The fate of the world hangs in the balance—”

“—between you and my privacy?”

“—between your dick getting sucked and not!” spat the blackguard, lowering himself to his knees before Sasuke. Naruto, as was his not-Christian name because he was not a Christian but equally dignified besides, pulled Sasuke closer by a bruising grip on his thigh. “Look outside!” he told him “The sky is full of aliens, man, and they’ve got a giant laser pointed at Earth, threatening to blow it up unless I suck your dick! So, come on! Don’t you want to save the world?” Indeed, Sasuke saw, peering over the shoulder of his assaulter, there was a navy-worthy armada of grey objects floating in the air. They were visible through the open doorway and dotted the celestial quilt like an inverted night had fallen on Konoha. Lighting up in green, flashing bulbs, they whirred impatiently all the time.

Sasuke sneered back at Naruto. He had been by the blonde pulled nearly all the way unto his lap during his circumvented pause and thus struggled afresh.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” ejaculated he. “Seriously? You think that aliens are invading the Earth, and their one condition for retreat is if they can get some idiot to commit a felony?”

“Oh, you’d love it if I were that dim, wouldn’t you? I told you: you have to let me. The Martian Corporal, Flloyd, has taken every pig hostage unless I oblige. That means I’ll never have tonkotsu ramen again, Sasuke! I’m not willing to give that up just to spare you your modesty!”

“Stop it! Stop pulling already! There’s no chance I’d let you defile me; if mankind’s survival doesn’t cut it, where do think a dish’s permanence stands? For pig-kind, the Uchiha will rally in Necropolis: is that what you thought, idiot?” That instant, a deep rumble started up which shook the ground. Sasuke and Naruto looked suspiciously at each other.

“Oh! My god!” cried Shikamaru of a sudden, racing by outside in the streets “The dead are walking! As the smartest one, I’ll make sure to secure encampments for protection against the infection, thus preventing an epidemic and ensuring the continuance of our people so that we stand a chance of deflecting the extraterrestrial invasion also!” He was waving his hands above his head and taking great, big bounds across the loamed street, like a love-struck pheasant in a rush, he went gobbling away in such a manner. Behind him followed a proper procession, thunderous like the Carneval but with echoes rather like: brains! brains! and additional brains! The zombie-Uchiha’s stopped not until they reached Konoha square, whence there they jutted their chins at the sky and the aliens and hopped in place, reaching upward as if to catch the warships with their fingers. Some, debatably smarter than the rest, tried their luck at climbing buildings, surely to reach the rooftops and thus be closer to the offending presences, but ultimately all failed and fell; between the houses and into narrow walkways where they stuck like filling; unto trashcans, exploding with critters and flies and decomposition.

“Do you see, Sasuke?” snarled Naruto. “Do you see what happens when you don’t do as I tell you?” He pulled fiercely on Sasuke’s sweatpants and unbared a pale hip.

“You fucking lunatic!” squealed Sasuke.

“What’s this? Metal?”

“Look, don’t worry about it! I told you: it’s not happening.”

“You have a chastity belt on? Since when? You’d think this kind of thing would show through your pants. What, you like to hang out on the floor with a good book, some tea and a chastity belt? Were you expecting me? I have so many questions—”

“None of which I’d ever deign to answer!”

“—It’s got a little heart on it, even. The locking mechanism is relieved in a heart design—what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Oh! Like I’m anywhere near crazy compared to you! You’re not supposed to be able to work yourself to death, you know! There’s something fundamentally wrong with your genome; I think your DNA is embarrassed of what it’s become and conspires to kill you for it. It’s the same as drinking bleach or eating garbage, snuggling up with a carcass or pity-fucking; you’re not supposed to be capable of any of those things because there’s just too much at stake!”

“With logic like that, I’m surprised you’re not wearing a muzzle.”

“I did! In a previous life, far from here, I was The Avenger. I wore every possible means of protection at all times. Condoms, bullet-proof vests, trench coats and knee-pads, helmets, boxing gloves, marching boots, shin-guards, _muzzles_ ; I injected myself with one hundred and sixty vaccines weekly, just to be safe, and moved around in a bubble fashioned from silicone. I boiled all of my food, ground it and drank it through a straw. I was the scourge of the Desert and the Mohavians worshiped me as their god—”

“Are you sure about that?”

“—but I had no choice but to leave! Leave and come here to wait for the Calling of the Void! I had to fit in, but I took my insurance with me—are you buying any of this?”

“No, can’t say that I am, no.”

“Well, shit. I’m still not—will you stop pulling on it?”

“Look, you can protest all you like, but I for one am not giving up on the pigs and the world. I am sucking your dick today, so help me god, Sasuke!” Scuffling, the two voices emitted were unrecognizable by the force which was being exerted. Naruto strained so that he snorted; Sasuke resisted until he was wholly pink.

“That’s a funny order of priorities you’ve got, but sure, who else but you? Furthermore; ha! You’re free to try, jerkwad! Try and fail to unlock me!”

“What is this thing made of? Where’s the key?”

“Where indeed,” smirked Sasuke wickedly.

“Is this some Saw thing? I won’t.” Naruto waved his hand flippantly, eyes widening at the creativity of his imagination.

“SUCK HIS DICK IMMEDIATELY!” Boomed then a stentorian voice, wearing some accents understandably Martian in nature. Both men looked up at the sound, startled. Then they re-fastened their ambitions.

“Give me—the key—Sasuke!”

“Suck—my—I mean—go fuck yourself, dumbass!”

“If you won’t hand it over, I’ll just have to bring you with me!” Naruto hoisted Sasuke into a standing position, and the fluttering raven pulled his sweat pants all the way up anew.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“The bottom of the ocean,” replied Naruto. “We’re off to see a man no technology can outmaneuver. He was my teacher once, before I betrayed him. I refused to learn how to play the organ, only wanted to look at and talk about fish, all day every day. Eventually, he tired of me and gave me an ultimatum I’ll not forget in this lifetime.”

“Wha—”

“He said that he’d not return my soul to me unless I play the organ with him for a hundred millennia. I couldn’t agree to those terms, Sasuke, you know I couldn’t! I stole away in the night and swam a hundred and twenty thousand god damned leagues to the surface where I finally breached, and hitched a ride on a pack of humpbacks, all the way home to America where I wrote my story down and published it bi-monthly in the Gazette. No one believed me. But you believe me, don’t you, Sasuke?” A mad glint played about Naruto’s twitching smile.

“Wow. Has all of your blood actually amassed in your junk, you total pervert?” saith flatly Uchiha.

“Sasuke!” Naruto erupted, stomping his foot. “This is serious! If I don’t suck your dick, we’re all doomed, don’t you see?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do see. I just don’t care, is all. Ever since I won that map of a lost land in a brawling bout behind an aptly named fishing pub, my mind’s been lost to me. When I close my eyes, I see nothing but fields of gold, towers of alabaster and glittering livestock as were they solid, living rubies, neighing and trotting and pecking and farting, Naruto! All of those things I can see!”

“And if I take you there?” Naruto took Sasuke’s arms in his hands and looked at him brazenly. With brows low and voice steady, he resembled the colossus straddling Rhodes.

“What?” Sasuke wiped away a forlorn tear.

“I said: if I bring you to this land of yours, and we follow the map there, will you let me suck your dick then? That’s what this is all about in the end—sucking dick.”

“I—”

“Shh!” Putting his index finger to Sasuke’s lips, the raven grimaced; Naruto shook his head solemnly and spoke: “No need for words between us. I know. You’ll let me.”

“Bite me, butt pirate!” Slapping the finger off and taking one step back, Sasuke raised his voice and objected. Naruto made an abject sound deep in his throat and clapped his thighs, shrugged his shoulders. “This is all some scheme to get in my pants, don’t think I don’t know it! It’s always that way!” Sasuke abruptly began to lift up the carpet upon which Naruto yet remained standing, and only the tugging forced him off of it. “I’ll do you one better! I can scheme, alright! Have you met me before?” Tossing the three by three meters large textile aside, Sasuke fell upon his knees in the bared spot and pressed his ear to the crooked floorboards revealed. “There’s a body underneath here,” he confessed with a tremor. “I was driven by hunger—no! Envy—no! Ideals—no!” Sasuke turned his head and looked at Naruto, and for a pregnant moment neither said a word. Until—Sasuke’s raspy whisper floated out across the boards. “I lost my temper.”

Naruto stared for a minute. He contested the probability of Sasuke having actually hidden the corpse of someone underneath the spot in his house where he liked to relax and found that it was likely. Perhaps Sasuke wasn’t relaxing at all, but he was guarding his secret.

“Yeah?” the blonde cried and put his hands on his hips. “Well, I’m one of Santa’s elves and the true heir to queen Victoria; a lunar werewolf and the moon, what’s more, doesn’t wane and wax at all but I eat it and regurgitate the pieces! How’s that?”

“What’re you talking about? I’m actually confessing a murder here.”

“The hell you are; you’re arguing voyeur plotlines over epics, and I’d much rather go with the aliens than sit in a rocking chair, lamenting how I became a bonapartist despite not wanting to or something!” Sasuke scoffed and stood up.

“Are you saying you’re a filthy royalist?” Both men then drew swords like the lightning strikes. They glared carefully at one another.

“Are you saying you’re a bonapartist?” Naruto returned a question of his own.

“As all true Frenchmen are.”

“You people cut off the king’s head!” Naruto screamed. “Our God’s elect! Beheaded him and his consort, you did! If you were truly of French birth you’d not go against the very will of the heavens!”

“Long live the emperor, _bitch_!” A spectacular altercation broke out—really, you should’ve been there. Swords sparked and fire ignited everything and left nothing; meanwhile, Naruto and Sasuke fought in midair, standing on the tufts of what they’d both envisioned their union becoming, now dashed, and naught more than a headless king running in circles amidst chicken shit or an emperor praising the piss-water of Saint Helena.

They landed, exhausted and panting, eyes yet locked.

“Sasuke,” called Naruto then. “Please!”

“ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! OINK! OINK! OINK!” It would appear as if the pigs had overthrown their masters aboard the Martian warships and were now at the controls. Their celebratory squeals rang throughout Konoha even while Naruto bemoaned his tonkotsu-deprived future. He sank to a miserable heap and covered his face with his hands. But Sasuke soon neared him. His footfalls padded the ground and left soft prints in the freshly moistened earth the rain had conditioned. A metallic click was heard. Naruto’s head shot up and his eyes were wide and wet. Sasuke smiled at him. It was a gentle smile; one of solidarity and consolidation. His pants gathered at his ankles.

“Oh,” Naruto gasped. “Sasuke!” He took his penis into his main facial cavity and gingerly sucked. Naruto moaned.

“When God closes a door,” whimpered Sasuke, “He opens a window.”

**Author's Note:**

> Plotlines can be difficult to choose from. I wrote this one afternoon and laughed at it, so, I hope you will, too. I was kinda loopy on Waterloo at the time, so--hence all the French stuff. I don't agree with Sasuke; I like Marshal Ney.


End file.
